Coloring Outside the Lines

"Yo, whaddup, dis is K and for whatevah reason I can’t get to da phone right now but… leave me a message and I might hit you back.”

It was her phone message right after she moved to New York. She would kill me if she knew I was using this quote to describe her. But for some reason I always feel compelled to break out my best Brooklyn accent and share it with anyone who asks about my sister.

To see her now with her long, ever-changing hair, pierced nose and dangling earrings, walking down the street in one of her many pairs of Chuck Taylors (or as she would say, "kicks"), one would never guess she grew up in midst of the Piney Woods of East Texas. K is much more adept at traversing the subways of New York City than the maze of trees that surrounds our childhood home. But then again, the stereotypical small town life and the small mindedness that sometimes accompanies it never quite seemed to suit her.

The Christmas after she moved, she wrote a poem for me. It still warms my heart and makes me cry sometimes when I read it.

You have the hands that lift me up,

You give me sight when I cannot see,

You’re the one I call on when life has me down on my knees…

When did my little sister develop wisdom beyond her years and such a talent for writing poetry? I treasure these beautiful words she wrote for me, that she trusts me with her secrets, and that she still occasionally needs me.

K is an enigma to most who try to know her. I never quite understood how she managed to be so mysterious while I was the opposite. For instance, in some of our first Sears family portraits, I showcase this humongous grin while conversely she’s not really smiling at all. Instead she has this little smirk on her three-year-old face, like she knows something you don’t. She’s now famous for that look and still somewhat of a mystery. So, while I can’t share all of her secrets. I want to try and give a glimpse of the K I know, the young woman I have grown to really like, and the sister I love.

When she was little, K used to follow me around calling out, “Sistah, sistah, pway wif me.” We both had a bit of a speech impediment. Pair that with a country accent and you have two very funny-sounding children. We even had our own little language. Our neighbor down the road would always say “hi” when we walked to get the mail. His name was Eugene; however, we thought our parents were saying “Your Gene” and would get into arguments over just whose Gene he actually was.

Our arguments evolved considerably as we grew older. We shared a room and bunk beds until I was a senior in high school. Not an easy thing for two teenage girls. Especially when one of those girls was very motherly, while the other was the ultimate rebel. As I think back on it now, I probably spent a little too much time telling K what she should not do rather than showing her what she should. I always saw her as my innocent baby sister. That would change.

We were both blessed with parents who encouraged our individuality and friendships with people, no matter what their race. I can still remember her sixth birthday. It was a swimming party at the lake by our house and she invited all of her best friends, many of whom were black or Hispanic. Unfortunately, multiracial parties were not a common theme in East Texas while we were growing up. Even though I am five years older, I have always been slightly oblivious to some of the darker sides of human nature. So, at the time and years later, I thought nothing of the fact that my first Barbie was black and, so it seemed were most of my sister's friends.

K is a fiercely loyal friend to those fortunate enough to crack her cool façade. However, she does not trust easily and actually does not like that many people. I think some are even a little frightened of her. This could be due in part to her famous temper and scowling face when she’s in a mood or because many people simply do not understand my sister. Different is not just an adjective for K; it's a way of life. When other girls were curling their hair, she was putting hers in cornrows. She has always been her own person, doing and saying what she feels is right and not caring what others may say. While I once found this quality to be frustrating, as we both grow older and wiser I find that it is one of my favorite qualities about her.

Part of the reason K finds it hard to trust people is that she has not found many in whom she can. As I was enjoying college, she was struggling through high school. Her sophomore year she fractured both of her feet and could no longer play volleyball or dance. This was also the year her best friend’s family forbade her to ever come to their house, her second home, simply because she had the nerve to date someone outside of her race, a big faux pas in East Texas. Subsequently, she was talked about behind her back by the “popular” girls and even their parents.

Your sweet laughter washes,

The bigotry in life,

And your voice is warm with love,

You make me laugh and sometimes cry,

But in the end your hand I will never shove…

I always felt guilty that I was not there for her to protect her during a lot of this time, to tell her to keep her faith in the goodness of people and not lose hope even when she was surrounded by so much animosity and ignorance. Unfortunately I was in Austin, discovering myself and finding my way while she was losing hers.

Even though she’s more jaded now because of her traumatic teen years spent in rural East Texas, she is also a stronger woman for them. She was so happy to get away, to a different state, a new city, and a fresh start. Because art has always been her release, she moved to New York to attend Pratt Art Institute in Brooklyn. The Big Apple has its own set of problems but here is where she has found a place for herself, friends she can count on and a life that she is finally happy to be living.

As they usually do, plans changed and this summer she will graduate with a dual degree in psychology and art from Brooklyn College. In true K fashion, about 3 years ago she met and fell in love with her very own Puerto Rican “papi”, born and raised in downtown Brooklyn. “From one border to another”, they fit each other so well. Miguel, my boyfriend-in-law, helped put the glow back in my little sister’s cheeks and the happiness back in her voice, even if it is now tinged with a very Brooklyn and slightly Puerto Rican accent. For this he will always have a special place in my heart as well as K’s. Now, if he breaks her heart, then I’ll have to go all mother bear on his ass. I am, after all, still her big sister.

To you I owe the moon,

And the precious stars above,

For you my sister,

Have taught me wisdom,

Possessed by only your love.

Ditto “sistah”. Ditto…

Quarter-life Follow-up: Getting off my...

Since I first began writing my quarter-life essay, in October 2006, I have made some big life changes. In the past year, I...

* Bought my first home. A little 1/1 condo-perfect for me. I love it and learned so much from the experience! If you're a first-time home buyer, be sure to check out what your city and state has to offer you in forms of assistance--you might be surprised--I know I was...

(Thank you Brett & Nicole for the push!)


* Became a "big sister" for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Something I'd always thought of doing but just never took the time or told myself I'd do it the next year. Well, I'm so glad I finally got off my butt and decided to put in my application. My "little sister" is amazing and we have so much fun together! I hope she is getting as much out of our relationship as I am. If you've ever thought of mentoring in this way--make the time and do it!

* Got a new job. I'm still in the same line of work but with more opportunities for networking and future growth. I just finished my first month and am still getting my feet wet but I think I made a good move. Although, I have to say, it wasn't easy. I certainly underestimated the difficulty of transitioning from a program which I had worked with for almost 10 years into a new office and a new set of everything! I also came in as a director, which is an interesting starting point when coming into something unknown but I'm getting it :-)

For interviewing tips I enjoyed reading: http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com. (Thank you Dalia :-)

* Started this blog :-) I inherited my father's gift of gab and love of story-telling. He and my mother, both teachers, have always taught me the best lessons through their life examples and silly stories. Now... I may not have always listened or understood their advice at the time. However, after I hit age 25, they suddenly started making a lot more sense---so did investing for retirement--actually, that was just in the past year ;-)

Likewise, I think sometimes God sets us on a path and we don't even realize it until years later. In the beginning, it seemed like I happened into my current career, which is based around experiential mentoring and teaching. Although, I've since learned that helping students or anyone laugh, live and learn from my experiences, both the successes and many mistakes, is my passion and maybe I didn't happen into it after all.

Side note: The laughs are really what I live for though. I can remember once, when I was about 4, sticking my foot in a bowl of pumpkin seeds just to make my friend Jessica laugh :-) still have that photo somewhere... My dream job would be part-time lounge singer/SNL cast member :-)

Now, as with anything, I have a lot of stories to go along with the aforementioned changes, but I'll save those for future posts... In the meantime, I'm setting new goals for myself and my life because I realized that I was just getting too comfortable almost to the point of complacency, which is never good.

Who knows what will happen in the next year... ;-)

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where the stand in times of challenge and controversy."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Secret Quarter-life Crisis

Why does no one warn you about the quarter-life crisis? Yesterday, I found myself aimlessly walking around the grocery store. Not knowing what I was looking for, I perused aisle after aisle. Sample after sample and cute displays galore couldn't lead me to a decision about anything. I couldn't figure out what I needed, if anything. Lately this is how I've felt about life. There are so many things to sample and aisles to go down but I'm having a hard time deciding what is for me.

According to Wikipedia, the term quarter-life crisis was coined in 2001 by Abby Wilner and Alexandra Robbin in their book, Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties. I graduated from college the year after this book was published. At this time, the aforementioned term was still as foreign to me as benefits and retirement; that would change.

While going through college, I never worried about what would happen afterwards, always assuming things would fall into place as they should. When I did start to occasionally worry, everyone would remark, “Oh you’re so young. You have plenty of time.” Or there was always the, “Have fun! You’ve got the rest of your life to work. Enjoy yourself now while you can.” Ironically when I bring up my current concerns about the ambiguity of my future, I still get almost the exact same responses. I’m tired of it! Can someone just tell me what to do!

We spend most of our early lives being told what we should do by a variety of sources: our parents, grandparents, teachers, preachers, counselors, friends, and TVs. However, once you hit that mid-twenty mark you are automatically supposed to know what to do and it’s just not that easy. The guidance and advice is still there but above it is this sense of personal responsibility that I think is sometimes a jolt for most young adults. More often than not, you find yourself thinking, “Ahhhh! I’m a grown-up now. I’ve got to figure this out on my own. When did I become a grown-up?”

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to "get grown.” While my mom did let me dress myself, as evidenced by this photo, she also made me wear underwear with my ballet leotards and I thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. However, now I keep a picture book beside my desk with photos like this one that make me smile and remember my little girl ways because being grown isn't always as glamorous as I once thought it would be and no one warned me!

Now I’m drawing a blank and everything I start to write is not what I want to write. Hmm… Much like my topic. Ahhh! Is there no escape from the quarter-life crisis? Okay - deep breath-what am I thinking?

Quarter-life crisis symptoms first started for me about three years ago. My first year out of college I lived by myself and spent much of it getting used the 8 to 5, “real world” routine. It was a harder transition than I thought. Most of my college friends had moved away, I was lonely, and I think maybe a little depressed. The next year, I moved closer to downtown and split living costs with a roommate. This was the life. I partied almost as much, if not more, than when in college but this time didn’t have homework to worry about. It was great! That is until the “Hey, what am I going to do with my life?” questions began popping into my head.

I thought I was the only one feeling this way. Then I began talking with my friends and, low and behold, they were either having the same fears and frustrations as me or had them when they were around my age. Even my friends who always had a life plan didn’t seem to know where it was going. The main thing we agreed on was the fact that no one had ever told us about this life-after-college quest for meaning, purpose, and direction. It wasn’t until I started doing some research of my own that I learned most of the American population goes through some sort of quarter-life crisis between their mid- to late-twenties. There are now more recent studies and finding on this life period and there obviously were before I graduated as well but back then I just didn’t know what to expect or where to look.

Now, I’m at ripe old age of 28 and many of my friends are married or getting there. They are finding their path with someone by their side and looking to a future together. I don’t know if that makes things easier but it definitely changes the perspective. Although, what about those of us who are on our own? What is our path, our passion, our dream? How and when will we find them? These are the questions that keep going through my mind and maybe yours as well. However, I think it’s ok to be unsure and just not know right now. I know I don’t. Maybe my dream is helping someone else discover their dream? Maybe that’s my passion? I have so many and can’t seem to narrow them down. But I’m confident I will, in time. Soon I hope ☺